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Where Do I Go From Here?
Today was the day where my 2 years of hard work finally culminated with a results slip. Right, it's just a slip of paper. But it is this piece of paper that has such a bearing on your life that you wonder what you can actually do with/in/about your life if you fail to perform.
Not gonna lie but I even dressed up and made myself look pretty before leaving for school just in case if I had to cry over crappy results, at least I looked pretty. It was my one shot at redemption from feeling like a loser who had no university to go to when everyone around me would probably be happy over meeting admission criteria in their university offers from top universities around the world. As everyone flew to UK to attend Oxford/Cambridge/LSE and US to attend Ivy League schools, where would I go?
Standing at the bus-stop in front of my house, I waited as the bus that would take me to school for me to face my future was approaching me. Where should I go from here? I could still turn back and head home. But I'd have to face my future sooner or later...
With a heavy heart, I boarded the bus to school. I was pretty calm, surprisingly. Compared to my hyperventilating self when I was collecting my O-levels result slip 2 years ago, My heart was maybe pounding just a little faster today? Because I knew I had done my best. Other than sleeping and having my meals, I was glued to the chair, studying for about 15 hours a day. I had no regrets.
During my bus ride to school, I remembered the tough times I had endured and my perseverance throughout the whole grueling examination preparation process. I felt the anguish from my past breakdowns during the preliminary exam after failing 3 subjects out of the 5 I was due to take (despite putting in so much effort!) and the worry for not performing fantastically well for the other 2 either. I recalled how demoralised I felt; how everyday was a repeat process of worrying for my future, crying about how hopeless everything seemed and wondering if it was worth trying at all anymore. I also reminisced about the support and love from the people around me. My teachers never giving up on me and continuing to guide me through that dark period. My friends accompanying me in school for late-night study sessions, easing my worries over dinner and helping me with my studies too. Also thankful that even those friends who I wasn't extremely close to encouraged me, especially Kah How who gave me chocolate to cheer me up! And the one turning point that gave me drive and motivation to study again when I felt like a piece of shit after prelims : reading Nishiuchi Mariya's blog post (translation). Thanks to her, I stopped thinking about the future and focused on the present. If I just continued doing my best every day and be proud of the effort I've put in, I shouldn't have to worry about whether my best was good enough.
It's no big secret that my family was always not supportive about the decisions I made during my 2 years in Junior College. There was a period of time where I doubted if I had made the right decision to join dance. Perhaps if I had joined another co-curricular activity which did not require as much commitment, my academic performance would've been much better. My friends managed to channel that doubt into new found confidence in me. "You were born to be on stage and to dance. If you weren't dancing, I can't imagine what else you would be doing." Thank you Meiqi for saying something so sweet! Choosing to take English Language and Linguistics as one of my core subjects also faced strong objections from my family and it really made me hit rock bottom when I was under-performing but I got over it and picked myself up.
As I got off the bus and made my way to the school gate, I saw so many familiar faces, each painted with different expressions. Some uncertain, others confident. Smiles from meeting friends who had come back to collect their results after returning to their home countries after the exam, laughter from juniors who see their seniors. How would these faces changes 2 hours later when we leave the school the last time as students, holding the slips of paper which determined our future in our hands? As we sat in the hall listening to the results analysis from our principal, all the insecurities from the past 2 years came flooding back. Was I one of them? One of those who got a C? One of those who failed? Did I even have at least one A on my results slip? Was doing my best enough sufficient? Doubt, doubt, doubt. I was feeling so darn insecure and anxious, I thought I was about to pass out.
I couldn't remember much of what happened next. I just kind of zoned out, half listening, half trying to stay conscious and aware of what was happening around me.
"You did very well for your A-levels, Yvonne." was all I could recall what my civics tutor said as she handed me my A level results.
I took a glance.
'A's for every single damned subject I took! 7 distinctions!
All the shit I've gone through the past 2 years, after feeling like a completely brainless loser, I'm glad things turned out this way.
I may not have spent the best or my happiest 2 years of my life in Junior College but it is definitely the place I have matured the most and learned the most life lessons. These 2 years have groomed me to be a stronger person, made me feel the support and warmth of encouragement from my friends and allowed me to believe that miracles do happen. World, come at me! I'm ready for the challenges you're going to hurl toward me because honestly, right now, I feel #likeaboss.
Ending off with a picture of my nephew posing with boxes filled with my notes from Junior College. No kidding, this was what I had to plough through during my 2 years in JC and each of those boxes are filled to the brim. Look, I don't even have enough boxes to contain my notes, I'm not stacking empty boxes on top of each other. The notes are actually around my height, 161cm. I guess I can finally clear them from my room since I won't be re-taking my A-levels!
Not gonna lie but I even dressed up and made myself look pretty before leaving for school just in case if I had to cry over crappy results, at least I looked pretty. It was my one shot at redemption from feeling like a loser who had no university to go to when everyone around me would probably be happy over meeting admission criteria in their university offers from top universities around the world. As everyone flew to UK to attend Oxford/Cambridge/LSE and US to attend Ivy League schools, where would I go?
Standing at the bus-stop in front of my house, I waited as the bus that would take me to school for me to face my future was approaching me. Where should I go from here? I could still turn back and head home. But I'd have to face my future sooner or later...
With a heavy heart, I boarded the bus to school. I was pretty calm, surprisingly. Compared to my hyperventilating self when I was collecting my O-levels result slip 2 years ago, My heart was maybe pounding just a little faster today? Because I knew I had done my best. Other than sleeping and having my meals, I was glued to the chair, studying for about 15 hours a day. I had no regrets.
During my bus ride to school, I remembered the tough times I had endured and my perseverance throughout the whole grueling examination preparation process. I felt the anguish from my past breakdowns during the preliminary exam after failing 3 subjects out of the 5 I was due to take (despite putting in so much effort!) and the worry for not performing fantastically well for the other 2 either. I recalled how demoralised I felt; how everyday was a repeat process of worrying for my future, crying about how hopeless everything seemed and wondering if it was worth trying at all anymore. I also reminisced about the support and love from the people around me. My teachers never giving up on me and continuing to guide me through that dark period. My friends accompanying me in school for late-night study sessions, easing my worries over dinner and helping me with my studies too. Also thankful that even those friends who I wasn't extremely close to encouraged me, especially Kah How who gave me chocolate to cheer me up! And the one turning point that gave me drive and motivation to study again when I felt like a piece of shit after prelims : reading Nishiuchi Mariya's blog post (translation). Thanks to her, I stopped thinking about the future and focused on the present. If I just continued doing my best every day and be proud of the effort I've put in, I shouldn't have to worry about whether my best was good enough.
It's no big secret that my family was always not supportive about the decisions I made during my 2 years in Junior College. There was a period of time where I doubted if I had made the right decision to join dance. Perhaps if I had joined another co-curricular activity which did not require as much commitment, my academic performance would've been much better. My friends managed to channel that doubt into new found confidence in me. "You were born to be on stage and to dance. If you weren't dancing, I can't imagine what else you would be doing." Thank you Meiqi for saying something so sweet! Choosing to take English Language and Linguistics as one of my core subjects also faced strong objections from my family and it really made me hit rock bottom when I was under-performing but I got over it and picked myself up.
As I got off the bus and made my way to the school gate, I saw so many familiar faces, each painted with different expressions. Some uncertain, others confident. Smiles from meeting friends who had come back to collect their results after returning to their home countries after the exam, laughter from juniors who see their seniors. How would these faces changes 2 hours later when we leave the school the last time as students, holding the slips of paper which determined our future in our hands? As we sat in the hall listening to the results analysis from our principal, all the insecurities from the past 2 years came flooding back. Was I one of them? One of those who got a C? One of those who failed? Did I even have at least one A on my results slip? Was doing my best enough sufficient? Doubt, doubt, doubt. I was feeling so darn insecure and anxious, I thought I was about to pass out.
I couldn't remember much of what happened next. I just kind of zoned out, half listening, half trying to stay conscious and aware of what was happening around me.
"You did very well for your A-levels, Yvonne." was all I could recall what my civics tutor said as she handed me my A level results.
I took a glance.
'A's for every single damned subject I took! 7 distinctions!
All the shit I've gone through the past 2 years, after feeling like a completely brainless loser, I'm glad things turned out this way.
I may not have spent the best or my happiest 2 years of my life in Junior College but it is definitely the place I have matured the most and learned the most life lessons. These 2 years have groomed me to be a stronger person, made me feel the support and warmth of encouragement from my friends and allowed me to believe that miracles do happen. World, come at me! I'm ready for the challenges you're going to hurl toward me because honestly, right now, I feel #likeaboss.
Ending off with a picture of my nephew posing with boxes filled with my notes from Junior College. No kidding, this was what I had to plough through during my 2 years in JC and each of those boxes are filled to the brim. Look, I don't even have enough boxes to contain my notes, I'm not stacking empty boxes on top of each other. The notes are actually around my height, 161cm. I guess I can finally clear them from my room since I won't be re-taking my A-levels!